I just need to get it out.

When I was younger my babysitter took advantage of me for seven years. I don’t want to tell the police, or anyone for the matter. I’m very untrusting of guys, but to completely forgive I suppose telling the story will help me. When I was four he made me take off my clothes. That continued and eventually it turned into me touching him, and eventually having sex with him. He is eight years older than me, and I still see him from time to time. Every time I see him it brings up those raw memories of him raping me. It’s my aunts son, so I feel helpless, I feel shame and I feel like if I said something nobody would believe me. I hate what happened and I feel like I can’t heal. I’m fifteen now so it’s been a while since the last time, and I’m very fortunate he has t done anything since. I still love him I guess. Even though he’s a monster, he’s still my older cousin who played barbies and opened presents with me on Christmas, ya know. I just want to die.