I’m so scared

I’m scared that I’m gonna cut too deep and I’m just gonna be sitting on the side of the bath and I’m gonna be bleeding but I won’t be able to scream for my parents or anything because if I do they’ll find out about he cutting and I can’t risk that. I’m scared that I’m gonna take it too far and end up like one of those people who lose their legs because of their ED and I’m terrified of something like that happening or becoming infertile and I wish I could stop and I hate it but I love losing the weight and the feeling of knowing that I’m gonna. Be skinny I don’t think I could mentally handle gaining weight it would be like being trapped in an elevator the nerve wracking fear when your knees buckle and you can do nothing but sit there trying not to throw up the constant panic hearing your heart beat and knowing that it’s completely irrational the feeling of the panic attack coming, curling up into a ball even though you know that’s the worst thing to do I’m terrified and I want help so bad I want to scream it from the roof tops that I’m sick and I just can’t fucking take it but every time someone asks I deny it because I’m a coward and that voice in my head won’t let me I just wish they would notice but it’s my secret and I know they would judge me. I can’t fucking do it and I hate it so much it started when I was seven started restricting at ten cut for the first time at eleven and now at 13 I’m sitting in a dark room writing stupid confession that no one will ever read . Seven year old little girls aren’t meant to be scared of turning ten because they think it’s the age of being fat a nine year old girl isn’t supposed to have an anxiety attack the night before her tenth birthday because she thinks she will suddenly gain weight when she turns ten a twelve year old girl isn’t supposed to have a calorie diary a thirteen year old girls isn’t supposed to do any of this shit it isn’t fucking normal and another topic I kind of think self harm is like a drug it’s addictive and it works great in the beginning but then you need a stronger hit to get the same result and I think that’s why it gets worse and just ugh rant over